10: Barack Obama will force Stephon Marbury to donate 90% of his salary to food banks. If he refuses, he will be locked in a room with the new Secretary of State and a yardstick.
9: The Los Angeles Clippers will forfeit as a franchise, upsetting all three fans.
8: The Yankees will win the World Series, because that's the only way to justify the ridiculous amount of money they spent on CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and Mark Teixiera.
7: Michael Vick will attempt an early escape from prison, only to be mauled by vicious dogs just outside the premises.
6: John Madden will get an incurable and contagious case of laryngitis. He will infect Joe Buck, and the two of them will be quarantined together somewhere far away from any sporting events.
5: The Pirates will sign Barry Bonds to a mutually-beneficial one-year deal.
4: Everyone will shut the hell up about steroids, because the "Steroids Era" wasn't nearly as bad as the not letting black people play era. It's time to learn from mistakes and move on.
3: I really don't follow college football, but can we get some sort of half legitimate playoffs in place here? Please?
2: Plaxico Burress will be sentenced to at least 3.5 years in prison, just like any non-celebrity in his situation would be.
1: After much consideration, the Giants will sign Rae Carruth to replace Plaxico Burress.
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